Alright....

So I haven't updated this in FOREVER.. But thats okay, I'm working on it : D
Anyway, I'm gonna update on what's been going on in my life lately..

For starters, I'm in a relationship. That in itself is shocking enough. I've never been the relationship type. I mean, I've always considered myself more of a one-night-stand person, let alone capable of being in an exclusive relationship with one person. But apparently, I am? Haha I dunno, maybe its just the whole first boyfriend mindset, but everything just feels so.. right.
Don't get me wrong, there's a reason why this is my first update, I'm getting there haha. Pretty much, this year has been really rough for me. Whoever reads this would know that.. But like, I dunno, this past month, I've just been.. happier. Simply put. Haha I'm not really going to elaborate, pretty much because I don't even know myself. Thats all.

Second, I've recently become really close to some really great people. I hope all this isn't short lived due to the fact that they're all going to head off to college soon. All the same, I'm really grateful that I even got to get to know them, just a few more amazing people to add to my list.. of amazing people? Hahaha

Thirdly, thanks to aforementioned boyfriend and new friends, I've gained a new appreciation for some new genres of music. Today, for example, I listened to a rapper named The Game for the first time. I'm not exactly the biggest fan of rap, but hearing his lyrics, so real and heartfelt, I just zoned out and took it all in, it was so crazy, so awesome! I really enjoyed it : D

Finally, I've recently began to understand my fascination with history. I love it. End of story.

Of course, along with the good there has to be some bad..

Over Spring break, I had totally planned on legitimately starting the journey on my path back to fitness, I planned on painting and on reading, and then painting and reading some more..
That didn't happen. Unfortunately. I mean, I read a few books, and I drew a picture, and I went to 1 power abs session, but thats not enough. It just made me realize my tendency to start things and never finish them.

So thats my goal. Finally get my permit, read, paint, and get a dress for prom : P

Thats pretty much it for anyone who cares : D ♥

What is this feeling?...

Jealousy? Its possible.
Anger? That too.
Confused? Sure, why not?
Rejected? Unloved? Hurt? Pained? Sorrow? DISTRACTED?! Lets just throw 'em all in there too!

Alright. Not gunna lie, 1&3 are probably the most likely ones (& I just added the last one cause I literally just got distracted for about half an hour WHILE writing this freaking post! -_-). I feel like I'm not good enough, like, way more than before. This past weekend, I was on a youth group trip in California, a place called Camp Ramah in the middle of the mountains of Ojai. It's a beautifully secluded, pristine place, where stars are seen by the thousands, not tens. Anyway, I only found out I could go about a week before, so just being there was a miracle in itself, but I don't know.. For some reason, I didn't really have all that much fun.. I mean sure, it was amazing, I got to see all my Maryland friends, as well as all my friends from a bunch of other random states.. But I feel like over the course of the weekend, I was sort of replaced..

Okay, let me try to make myself clearer.. The trip was a sort of gathering. In my youth group, the Israeli Scouts, we have 'chapters' called Shvatim. Each Shevet belongs to a state, or a certain part of a state. My Shevet, for example, belongs to South Florida and it goes by the name of Shevet Almog. Marylands Shevet is called Gilad, LA's is Chen, Canada's is Chermon, and so on and so forth. Every year, the Shachbag (Shichva bogeret - aka, the high schoolers of each chapter) meet in California for a 3 day seminar that includes programs that teach us teamwork, helps us make friends, and inevitably, put 300 9th-12th graders together, many hook-ups and parties! I obvs did not partake in aforementioned hook-ups / :

Now, during the seminar, you're divided into smaller groups by grade. They take all the 11th/10th/9th graders in each Shevet, group them with a friend, and take a duo from each Shevet and put them together into an Achvah. I was placed in my Achvah with my best friend Ofir. Here is where my feelings start.. Of course, Ofir is my best friend. I love her. Really, I do. But this weekend, for some reason, I became so unnecessarily jealous. Sure, I'm a jealous person by nature, I'm not afraid to admit it, even though I really do try not to be, but everyone just seemed to like her so much more. Even one of my closest friends, Omri, the one I went to visit in Maryland, spent more time with her than with me.

Ofir is beautiful. Shes an amazing person, shes sweet, innocent, adorable, nice, a good friend, very smart, very dedicated and hard working.. Pretty much nothing I can compare too, hence it wasn't surprising when everyone chose her over me. Any sane person would rather be friends with her than with me. But just because it isn't surprising, it still hurts.

I feel so useless.

I know no-one reads this. Thats why I dont really have a problem revealing all this stuff. I mean, hell, if you do read this, I honestly have no idea why.. You probably hate me and are trying to unearth all my secrets and share them with the world! Just kidding. Noone probably cares that much. Alas, I keep returning to the same conclusions. How come I can't do anything about them?!

No cool things this time. I'll make another post later.

Fin.

La la la laaa Friends.

I don't really have any of those. ^^^



Anyway, I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I don't really know what to write. Sooo I kinda figured I would just jot down a couple of my most recent thoughts..

- Wow. Talk about assholes.

- I wish I didn't care.

- I cant believe they're actually going to go through with this.

- Possible worst thought: Frowns aren't upside-down smiles, it's the other way around.

- I wish I could see stars from here.

- I would love to start over.

Okay, I know these are probably really random, but it's kind of an assignment I'm supposed to do (Which would be to jot down random thoughts that pop into my head so I can look back on them and try to use them to discover more about myself.. Confusing, I know)

Anywhooo, since that probably didn't interest anyone, here are some cool things I've come across recently ( :
Obviously I didn't take any of these! They're incredible though!



HEDWIG! I'm so sad she's gone... ) : ♥♥♥♥

Misery.

I dunno if my mothers' life goal is to make me miserable, but she's clearly succeeding. The one thing that would make me the most upset is not going on that trip, and thats the one thing she has to take away from me! I wish there was something I could do to convince her to let me go..
Photo by: neuza teixeira (Flickr)

Anyway, I was told to start keeping a journal with my thoughts (Cause apparently it will help me divulge deep into my head and lead me on a path to self discovery). But it seems like every thought I feel should go in it, are thoughts that I'm trying to think of, to find something to write. Okay, I know that makes no sense, but I feel as though my thoughts are...fake?

I'm clearly confused by a lot of different things right now. I don't know what to do. I'm just really glad by the fact that I've got a whole new schedule for next semester! Hopefully things will be less seemingly stressful, and more seemingly relaxing.

I need a shower. ♥

Maryland.

So this weekend was definitely one of the greatest weekends of my life. Mainly because I got closer to some really, really, amazingly incredible people, as well as met some really great people too! But it also made me realise my intense cravings for some real, true friends. The guys here, they're amazing. The trust they have between them is one I don't think I've ever seen before. They would do anything for each other. They could hang out every single day and never run out of conversation topics. They'll always be there for one another, and the fact that they're all going their separate ways this summer only makes their bond closer. Of course, every one of these thoughts is from my own observations. I couldn't tell you what actually goes through their heads, but I feel like it's pretty plain to see. I want that. I want to be able to walk to a friends house and stay till 5 AM. I want no awkward silences or conversation breaks. I want trust. Maybe its just too much to ask for?
I stayed with my friend Omri (Staying, rather. It's my last night here) and it was really great. I've known him since 9th grade and I think this weekend really brought us closer together. He's totally obnoxious, in a good way (Most of the time!) except for when he's mean to his sister, whom I've just met and love! She's the cutest. His parents treated me so well, I really feel like I could call this place home. ♥
Sure, there have been minor speedbumps, but none to major. I admit, there were a couple misconceptions as well as a few disappointments, but it was still a brilliantly wondrous weekend.
I'm really going to miss it here, I definitely hope I'll get to see all the guys really soon. I'm really going to miss those buggers. ♥
Here are some more cool things.

Airport.

Delay: Hour and a half.
Car talk: Basically summed up into how I'm a failure and I will never succeed in anything I do, and I'm gunna end up working as a waitress all my life. Sweet! I love those talks!
Currently: Writing this blog post and listening to Dave Matthews Band<3
Mood: Well, it's complicated you know? I mean, who wouldn't feel totally elated after a conversation like that?!
Other: I gotta pee.

Oy.

Everything is going wrong. (Except for my 106% on my calc quiz today!)
I'm really not trying to make this some type of self pity, give me a spot to write down how much I hate my life, kinda thing.
I promise!
It's just, thats pretty much my life lately.
Good thing nobody reads this.
On Friday, I'm flying to Washington.
I was really, really happy and excited about it, until a few hours ago, when I realised how stupid I was to think I could fly to Washington by myself, without any set plans, and see myself surviving a 5 day weekend. Not happening.
The past few days haven't been all that great either.
(God this post is so negative and terrible and I hate it already)
Dumb boys made me angry and upset and frustrated, it's really not a great feeling to be ditched by someone, and I hope I never make anyone else feel that way (except for I think I just did..)
Life has just been really frustrating for me lately.
My grades are still down in the dumps, as well as my mood pretty much all the time.
My friends don't like me anymore, and there's a moron out to turn every remaining friend I have against me.
I just wish my life would rid itself of all this dumb drama.
I don't want it!
I really, really don't!
This weekend was supposed to be an escape, but for some reason, I don't know how effective it will be.

I can't explain it, I just feel like I want a fresh start.
I'm overwhelmed with everything around me.
This isn't a good feeling.
But alas, at this point, there's not really all that much I can do about it..
Here are a few things I've stumbled upon recently; I think they're all incredible.