Pure, Utter & Complete Frustration

Im so frustrated with myself. I honestly don't even know how else to start this post. Lately, nothing I've done has gone the right way. My grades are still in the shit-hole, and I cant seem to get them back up. All the changes I've been trying to put into effect have been failing miserably. My friends have slowly but surely begun to abandon me. And thats only the beginning of the thoughts I've been thinking lately. I guess I could see how this might seem as if all I'm trying to do is induce self pity and such, and that the only reason I've been writing this blog is to gather attention. But it's really not the case. I promise. If anything, I've been trying to use my blog as a source of motivation, however, due to my lack of consistent posting, that doesn't seem to be working according to plan.
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I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep finding myself reduced to tears because I've gotten so frustrated and overwhelmed by my surroundings. I'm suddenly more aware of little things my friends have said and done. Precisely the things I'd been trying to rid my life of, have just been coming back stronger than ever! It's come to the point where I really don't know what else to do anymore. I've been trying to write an essay for literally the past 4 or 5 hours. I've gotten nowhere. I feel like such a failure. My stupid arguments with my parents about my grades don't exactly help the situation. I've just been feeling so helpless. So weak. So lame. So pathetic. So done with it all. I just want this to be over. Maybe I need help, who knows? Maybe I need an escape? Again, I don't have that answer. All I know, I must make a change.

Dear Chris Byrd,

I never really knew you. I mean, sure, I knew who you were, and I'm pretty sure our paths crossed quite a few times, but nonetheless, we weren't actually friends or anything. I wish that wasn't the case though. I wish we had been friends. All I've been hearing lately is what a wonderful person you were. How your smile could light up a persons' day. How you were always there for a friend in need. How you didn't care about those dumb high school cliques, or a persons popularity, you were friends with anyone. How good you were. How full of life, and love and beauty you were. The difference you made in everyones lives. I wish we had been friends, Chris. I wish you were still here so we'd still have the chance. I hope you're in a better place now. I hope you're looking down and seeing all the lives you touched, and all the people who miss you with all their hearts.
♥Rest in Peace Chris

Changes

It recently dawned upon me, I don't like myself all that much. Sure, there are some aspects of myself that are impossible to change - things like looks, and height and such. However, there are many aspects over which I do hold control, albeit only to a certain extent - things such as the way I speak and act, how I chose to react in different situations, the list goes on. So from the month of November, I'm turning over a new leaf! Obviously, I wont be a new person overnight, I'm not expecting that though, but I do want them to slowly ease their way into my life.


I don't want to care as much. Im sick of growing miserable over things I've simply over-thought and over-analyzed. I want to get healthy. To get back into shape. I want to focus more. To pay more attention to the things and people around me. I want to stop making stupid decisions that I'll simply end up regretting. I want to be liked. & I want to like myself. Yes, I understand this wont be simple. As I said, I'm not expecting it to be. But how can other people like you, if you don't even like yourself? How much can you mean to them if you're meaningless to yourself? I can't help but become frustrated, because this sounded so much better inside my head. Oh well, shit happens.

photo-cred to monika7777 from photobucket