What is this feeling?...

Jealousy? Its possible.
Anger? That too.
Confused? Sure, why not?
Rejected? Unloved? Hurt? Pained? Sorrow? DISTRACTED?! Lets just throw 'em all in there too!

Alright. Not gunna lie, 1&3 are probably the most likely ones (& I just added the last one cause I literally just got distracted for about half an hour WHILE writing this freaking post! -_-). I feel like I'm not good enough, like, way more than before. This past weekend, I was on a youth group trip in California, a place called Camp Ramah in the middle of the mountains of Ojai. It's a beautifully secluded, pristine place, where stars are seen by the thousands, not tens. Anyway, I only found out I could go about a week before, so just being there was a miracle in itself, but I don't know.. For some reason, I didn't really have all that much fun.. I mean sure, it was amazing, I got to see all my Maryland friends, as well as all my friends from a bunch of other random states.. But I feel like over the course of the weekend, I was sort of replaced..

Okay, let me try to make myself clearer.. The trip was a sort of gathering. In my youth group, the Israeli Scouts, we have 'chapters' called Shvatim. Each Shevet belongs to a state, or a certain part of a state. My Shevet, for example, belongs to South Florida and it goes by the name of Shevet Almog. Marylands Shevet is called Gilad, LA's is Chen, Canada's is Chermon, and so on and so forth. Every year, the Shachbag (Shichva bogeret - aka, the high schoolers of each chapter) meet in California for a 3 day seminar that includes programs that teach us teamwork, helps us make friends, and inevitably, put 300 9th-12th graders together, many hook-ups and parties! I obvs did not partake in aforementioned hook-ups / :

Now, during the seminar, you're divided into smaller groups by grade. They take all the 11th/10th/9th graders in each Shevet, group them with a friend, and take a duo from each Shevet and put them together into an Achvah. I was placed in my Achvah with my best friend Ofir. Here is where my feelings start.. Of course, Ofir is my best friend. I love her. Really, I do. But this weekend, for some reason, I became so unnecessarily jealous. Sure, I'm a jealous person by nature, I'm not afraid to admit it, even though I really do try not to be, but everyone just seemed to like her so much more. Even one of my closest friends, Omri, the one I went to visit in Maryland, spent more time with her than with me.

Ofir is beautiful. Shes an amazing person, shes sweet, innocent, adorable, nice, a good friend, very smart, very dedicated and hard working.. Pretty much nothing I can compare too, hence it wasn't surprising when everyone chose her over me. Any sane person would rather be friends with her than with me. But just because it isn't surprising, it still hurts.

I feel so useless.

I know no-one reads this. Thats why I dont really have a problem revealing all this stuff. I mean, hell, if you do read this, I honestly have no idea why.. You probably hate me and are trying to unearth all my secrets and share them with the world! Just kidding. Noone probably cares that much. Alas, I keep returning to the same conclusions. How come I can't do anything about them?!

No cool things this time. I'll make another post later.

Fin.